Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
