Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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