I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
