i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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