Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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