I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
