I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
COCAINE IS GR8
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
