So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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