I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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