it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
