at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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