oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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