I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
