Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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