A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
