Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
