I CAN MOONWALK!
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
