at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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