fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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