the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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