then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
