Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize