I wish I could teleport
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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