ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
