watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Randomize
