I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Randomize
