I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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