WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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