i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
