Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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