if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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