I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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