he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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