its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
That accounts for only three of the penises
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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