I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
