Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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