Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
