Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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