Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
