Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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