So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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