Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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