Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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