She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
