So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
