allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
