my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
