Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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