so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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