I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
