Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
