i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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