She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
