I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
