I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
