every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
