When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize